Shrammed Oi be, Roight Shrammed

Goiles here.
Oi as good news and Oi has bad news.Oi will sally forth with the bad news first as it's always best to get im out the way loik and make way for the good. Roight. Down to it.
Oi as no eart for retoirin!There Oi as said it. Oi as troied to make a go of he.We as gone to Paris on that EuroStar for starters; eaten god knows what; traipsed all over this green an pleasant land but Oi as ad the biscuit and Oi as set moi and to the plough( a roight winnin expression!) an Oi ain't turnin back neither.
Now for the good news.
Oi has bought a farm!!! Not our old one mind ee, Oi can't afford un but this is a bit of a tiddler with just the roight space for us and Towser and yes moi liddle maids. Buttercup an Fruitcake no longer be with us but there are a few maids still that need moi care and the soight of they in the medder would gladden a heart turned to stone.
Now Mother took to the travellin lark loik a duck to water an Oi says to er she can wander as she pleases but Oi am fair shrammed with all that traipsin about and as to sleep in moi own bed of a noight with Towser on the mat or Oi ain't roight.Mother understood and said she ad more fun with the girls than she ad with me anyway. The girls....more a gaggle of old ens the way they shriek an cackle! Foine says Oi then we will both be appy an ave a ome for the maids an work for me that lifts moi eart. Now Oi be a bit long in the tooth moiself so Oi as Martin down the lane to give us an and when the bones get achy loik.Oi met Martin over a point at the Eel an Lobster an we sealed the deal so to say. Oi ain't never been so chuffed in ages.Oi'm letting ee know now an as soon as moi maids arrives Oi will send out another billet doo.
All moi love
Goiles